Usually this is the week we return from our summer vacation and the kids and I head out for school supplies for the upcoming school year. Last year this time, I was preparing to send my baby off to kindergarten. Little did I know what the year would bring and how we would be going in to the next school year with so many uncertainties. I guess that is the way life works- you would think we would have figured that out by now...
I have really struggled since March 13th. I have never been one who does well flying by the seat of my pants. I like a plan, and I like my plan to work out. I say "ok" in my head when a task is complete and I get a lot of gratification out of seeing my plan come to fruition. When the kids came home from school on Friday the 13th, who would have ever thought they wouldn't be going back? I even remember thinking that day, "oh we got through a Friday the 13th free and clear!" That was until we didn't.
My anxiety has been all over the place. The greatest part of this crazy pandemic is we get to spend it at home together. I am sure the kids wouldn't exactly say I have been the best parent to be home with, but none the less, I get to be home with them, and I love that I get to spend my days with my favorite people. Yet, I still experience an unsettling anxiousness in my gut. The bible says in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." It is so much easier to read that than it is to practice it. There are days I am good to go. I can forget what is going on in the world and stay right here in my safe place. Then, there are many other days that I have to go to the grocery store- that says enough.
Mask- they are every where- I have a variety in my console. Everything from neck gaiters, disposable mask, cotton mask, mask with elastic bands, mask with ties, mask with baseballs and dogs and pirates and all of the colors in the rainbow. And this is where is all begins. I wake up ok, then I have to leave my house and reach for one of these many mask..... My heart and my head feel sad that this is the reality we live in. It's like counting down to the days that never end, but somewhere deep down inside I feel some sort of Joy in the chaos and anxiety. It is a selfish joy, and a joy that is hard to explain. How do you have joy with anxiety? I will tell you how. As I read all of these parents on social media with all of the questions and opinions on school, I often wonder if any of them ever sit back and think that sometimes things happen and God still allows joy to transpire. ANXIETY- My kids haven't had a real schedule since March 13th, they need to be able to have a normal school experience. JOY- I have been given the opportunity to spend 16 uninterrupted weeks with my kids that I would have never been able to have before now. ANXIETY- Tate won't be able to read if it is up to me. JOY- Yes he will. lol ANXIETY- How do I decide between Virtual Academy, Wake County plan B or just doing my own home school. JOY- You get to decide Kendall. ANXIETY- What if I make the wrong choice. JOY- Thank you Jesus for giving me this time with them regardless of the choice. ANXIETY- I can't breathe in this mask and grocery shop at the same time. JOY- Thank you Jesus for the minimal financial impact this has had on our family and I can go to the store. And the list can go on and on and on and on.
I wake up each day ready for the rollercoaster of a ride we have set before us. A mask in one hand, but my heart is full knowing who I get to spend my days with. A 14 year old who rarely wants my opinion, but just the sound of my name leaving his mouth makes me so very thankful for these extra weeks I have had with him. A 12 year old that rolls her eyes at everything I say to her, but welcomes an invite to snuggle any time she is given one. I have gotten an extra 16 weeks of snuggles with her. A 10 year old that won't leave my side. He knows every step I take and every breath that leaves my body. And I have had an extra 16 weeks to help calm his anxiety because of the crazy in the world. And.... a 6 year old who rules the world. The one who could care less if he ever learned one more sight word or stepped foot in one more school building. I have gotten 16 weeks that last year this time I would have given all that I had to get an extra 16 hours with him before sending him off to school.
So, here we are world. We are all in this at the same time. I pray that I don't take one single extra week I get with them for granted. I pray that we can make the most out of the time we have. As inconvenient as it all is, these kids are mine. God Gifted them to Chad and I for such a short time, I am thankful I get the opportunity to be their mom. I am thankful for these weeks even if they aren't the weeks we would have chosen.
