My Boys..... and My Heart

Goodness...... Well, before I start, let me preface with this... This blog entry is about my boys. My girl is just as special as my boys are.... She could use an entire blog to herself..... Then, if you could look into her daddy's heart and put it into words, there wouldn't be enough room on a page or time in a day...

 That being said, right now this Mama's heart for her boys is very full....

There they are...Cole, Preston and our soon to arrive new Baby boy... I mean really.... They tug my heart every day, every minute, every second.

What is it about a boy and his Mama? Because I tell you, it is something. It is a feeling you can't describe. They fill you with so many emotions. You have to deal with them so much differently than you do your girls. As a female, that isn't always easy. When Sydney is upset or mad or happy, I can always relate to her feelings. They are almost just like mine. I know when she likes to talk, and what she wants to talk about, and when she wants to snuggle, and when she needs her independence, and why she feels the way she feels. I giggle often when she throws a fit because I see myself all over her.... But my boys.... not so much. As their Mom, there is an undeniable force that draws me to them all the time. I want to jump in and save their world. Needless to say, they don't always want that, or need that.

When we found out we were pregnant, I remember thinking... maybe this is a girl and Syd will have a sister. When we went in for the ultra sound and I heard "It's another boy!" My heart sank. For about 5 seconds I had to hold back a laugh because Syd went into a sob wanting a sister.... But all I could think was, can my heart handle this. My boys are 100% Mama boys. I've said this before, but I have a really hard time NOT spoiling them absolutely rotten. I mean... I want to do everything for them. I want to jump to their needs every minute of the day. I want to save their world. WHAT AN INJUSTICE, right? I was on the phone with one of my most special friends one night. I asked her to hold on because I was getting Cole all "setup" in the bed to watch a cartoon before bed and I needed to go grab him some Milk and Cookies. When I came back to the phone, she said to me, "Kendall! It is Mom's like you that ruin good men!" Although it was said in good fun and with laughter from both sides, it was sooooo true. It is important as a Mom of boys to find the balance. Of course, there wasn't anything wrong with me getting my first baby all comfy cozy with milk, cookies and a blanket...... It is that love and adoration for my boys that tugs at me. Finding the balance between loving them and showing them I am their safe place, and then doing everything for them and not teaching them how to be productive on their on.... Can I do this? Of course I can!

Not only is there a balance with boys, but boys also come with EXHAUSTION. They don't slow down. As soon as they do, they are out like a light. There is no such thing as "quite" with boys. There are no inside voices, there is no such thing as just walking.... a walk is a skip, or a jump, but preferably a run... A run that comes with a race.... A boy with a brother.... WELL, it just gets louder, and faster. A common saying I hear is "Hey Tole (Cole) want to race?" Or "Hey Preston, lets wrestle." OR when they are actually sitting down playing cars, you hear huge crashes and sirens and you even hear everything hit the floor with giggles. They can't keep their hands off of each other. While Sydney sits and plays with her barbies, the boys are entertaining each other with  their fist, and choke holds. I'm running into the room to protect them, and I get looks from them that say "can you please step out of the room Mom."

Brothers also enjoy having a "potty mouth." Their daddy jumps in on that fun often..... I hear words that make you blush. They talk about farts and butts and their private parts and things that they just did that are disgusting. All with giggles. They make crude jokes and know it is best they are whispered.... When I look at them after hearing one, they both burst into laughter...

Together, nothing is dangerous. Everything can be attempted. They are proud of each other. They encourage each other even when they are wrestling. Preston will take Cole straight down, and elbow his head and you hear Cole say, "GOOD JOB PRESTON!" Really???? The furniture isn't made to sit on, it is made to jump off of, the beds are trampolines, the bath tub is a ship, the toilet..... WELL it is often missed, and not flushed... I mean really, what boy has time to flush a toilet? Who needs to flush it when only a third made it in anyway, right?

These boys, they always have dirty faces, they think it is proper to pick your nose anytime you feel like it...You can tell them to take off their shoes at the front door, not in the middle of the kitchen and they will never remember. They don't understand why things need to be clean or straight, why does a bed need to be made when you have to lay back down? Why is it necessary to take a bath when you are going to get dirty again, why can't we play basketball in the house, why can't we wrestle with metal bats, why can't I act like my brothers head is a football... And the list goes on and on and on....

YES, all of this tugs on this Mama's heart. Although I am ready to fall out dead at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. When it is time for bed, my boys want me to snuggle them. They want me to pray with them. They want to tell me everything about their day in about 4.5 seconds. When they are done, don't ask anymore questions. They told me all they are going to tell me. BUT never the less, they want to tell me. They share a room, and have 2 beds. But these boys think it is best for them both to sleep in Cole's twin bed every night. They can't sleep with out each other. They don't want to be with out each other.

And here we are... We are going to have one more... one more boy to wrestle, to get dirty, to slide into that twin size bed with his brothers. Cole has already asked me if the new baby can share their room too. He will make room for him. The boys already ask about all the things the baby will be able to do and at what age can he do them. The most important question is how old does he have to be to wrestle....

Although all of these things are the joys of having boys, they come with other HUGE responsibilities. Dad's play a major roll in boys lives.... They teach them all of the "manly" things they need to know in life. As a Mom, our jobs are a little different. My heart, my heart, my heart.....

We have to pray for our boys. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. As a Christian, I pray for my boys to seek God's heart before seeking anything else. I pray for my boys to make good decisions. I pray for my boys health.  I pray for their "one day" wife. I pray I always treat them with respect and show them how a woman should treat them too. I pray they can financially always take care of their families while their wives will always emotionally take care of them. I pray for his emotions, his obedience, his future, his faith. I pray, I pray and I pray...... These are all the things I know I can't control for them, but so desperately want to.... So instead, I pray. God is the potter of our lives. He creates us perfectly and gives us exactly what we need. As I ask myself, can my heart handle another boy? Another boy that will love me with all of his being and one day will exchange me for his wife? Can I handle that? Have I done a good job of "not being the Mom who ruins good men?" What I do know is I will love these boys more than they can ever imagine being loved and pray that when I hand them over to the wives that will steal their hearts, she is capable of taking care of my boys. But I fill confident that God will lead them to one who won't only steal their hearts, but ours too. And raising all of these boys will be exactly what I was put here to do..... I can handle it.

Give me Jesus....

This past week has been one of those weeks where I have found myself frustrated with everything. Frustrated with the kids, frustrated with cleaning, frustrated with keeping everyone healthy, frustrated with pulling these pants over this big ol belly..... Irritated when the kids are too loud, Irritated when they don't do exactly what I say to do when I say to do it, Irritated when I see a cup sitting behind the sink when I just washed dishes, Irritated trying to finish taxes... Just frustrated and Irritated.....

Today I started thinking, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! Really, what can I blame this on? Surely I can blame it on being pregnant (but who wants to deal with a hot headed red head for 9 months?) I could blame it on the cold weather.... Or I could be like Milli Vanilli and just blame it on the Rain...

Just Give Me Jesus... That is what is wrong with me.... Weeks I feel put out are always weeks that I have stepped away from putting my focus on Jesus.... This world we live in will suck you right up into it.... RIGHT UP IN IT!!!! Bill Nye may think the concept of putting your faith in the Bible and Jesus isn't logical, but that's because he has never done it. Anyone who questions faith has never experienced the true joy of giving it all to Jesus and letting it go. Not taking it back, just letting it go. There are many days I feel just like them. Days I feel like WHAT JUST HAPPENED! Days I feel like I can't get it all together. Those are always the days I have decided to take it all in my own hands.

Getting on my knees and taking it to HIM gets you through EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.... If I didn't have Jesus, I wouldn't have a marriage that is based on Trust. If I didn't have Jesus, I wouldn't have kids who are anxious to pray with their Daddy in the mornings. I wouldn't have kids who lay down at night and give it all to Jesus on their own. I wouldn't hear Cole say, "Mommy let's pray" when he feels bad. I wouldn't hear Preston say, "LOOORRDDD, peez keep my Mommy's baby safe." I wouldn't hear Sydney pray, "Lord, please let Dodger know how much we love him and please take care of him." When they say AMEN, that's exactly where they leave it. AT AMEN. They don't take it back and worry about it later. All the while I am laying in bed worrying when Cole is sick thinking, is his blood sugar going to drop??? Is he going to get dehydrated???? I lay in bed and think, have I felt the baby kick today????? I lay in bed sometimes feeling sorry for myself when I hear Chad breathing loud and I mistake it for Dodger still being at the end of my bed....

With Jesus, I have a complete change of heart than I do when I am distant from him. He says, seek my face..... When I seek his face, I am completely content. When I seek answers in myself and in this world, I just drift further away. I can be a mean mom and a mean wife... Just ask Chad.... I praise God for giving me Chad. I praise God for the times he puts up with my bad attitude and keeps going. I praise God for how he takes care of us. I praise God for how he loves us and wants the best for us... Without Jesus, Chad could walk away from my bad attitude, he could get tired of the responsibility he has been given, and he could choose not to be the man he is..... I am sure I want JESUS!

So, this being said, tonight I am saying Just Give me Jesus. While the kids are completely destroying the playroom and I sit here and type I am saying, Jesus make me a good Mom. While they complain that they don't have access to the Ipad, I am saying, Jesus give me the strength to teach them what is right and not give in. While they are doing everything in their power that they can do to show me they are extremely unhappy with the decision I have made to remove this demon device from their hands, I am saying, Jesus keep me calm and show them love, not anger.

I want to show my entire family the same Grace and Mercy that Jesus shows me daily... especially the Grace and Mercy he gives me while I am not giving any Grace or Mercy....... I want to follow what He Wants from me for my family, and Not follow what the world or even my greedy heart will tell me to do.... Just Give Me Jesus...

And It's a........

I never updated my blog even saying we are having another baby. I would feel bad about it, but I gave that up a long time ago. There isn't a whole lot that I keep up with anymore. Keeping 3 kids intact and alive is an accomplishment.

I actually also keep a journal. I started this journal when Chad and I got engaged. The months leading to the wedding are full with details.  After the wedding, I started journaling about my pregnancy with Cole...Needless to say, if you have ANY questions about how much weight I gained at what week, what my cravings were, the time (including the minutes) that he moved etc... I could tell you it all. Then after he was born, I logged everything from what he did, the time he did it, how often he did it, what he ate, what he weighed, what he said... blah blah blah. Then my pregnancy with Sydney was logged, almost as detailed, but a little shorter. Poor Preston has about 6 pages on pregnancy and maybe 5 or 6 pages to document the last 4 years..... This time around, I wrote I was pregnant when we found out, and here we are 19 weeks and 4 days later, and I am writing the gender.

He will understand..... He will be overly spoiled and I will compensate in other ways.... YES! IT'S A BOY! We are having another boy. The ultrasound went a little like this..

Sonographer: Oh you have beautiful children, they are so well behaved. Do you want to see the baby?
Little Triplett's: YES!
Sonographer: Here is the baby, there is the head... oh look at the pretty little face, how sweet.
Little Triplett's: Wow! Look at the baby!
Sydney: Awe, it's so cute
Sonographer: OK, let's see what the baby is...... It's A BOY!!!!
Triplett Boys: YAY!!!!!
Sydney: (while crying) I wanted a sister!!!!! I'll never have a sister...... I wanted a girl!
Triplett boys: AH HA, we get a brother, you don't get a sister
Chad: OK, that's enough boys
Me: It's OK Sydney, we just wanted a healthy baby
Chad: Sydney, God wanted Mommy to have a boy, so he gave us a boy! You will always be my only girl...
Cole: (in a whisper) yea, that means you are special
Sydney: I don't want to be special, stop talking to me.
I almost have tears because I am trying not to laugh.....
A few minutes later, Sydney says while rubbing my arm, "it's OK Mommy, I will still hold it." I am pretty sure she has come to terms that she will be the only girl.

We are excited. Of course we didn't have a preference. We just wanted a healthy baby. I think secretly I wanted Syd to be the only girl because her and I have a bond that is special. We could have always added another to our club, but I like it being her and I....

So, I guess I am off. I am off to find plans and a builder. I am hoping someone can build me a rubber room, because one more boy in this house will require more walls to bounce off of!!!!!!

Until We meet again Sweet Boy

Our Sweet Sweet Bubba. Oh how I miss you so.... Today was the hardest day I can remember ever having. You have meant the world to us....

When Daddy and I brought you home, we knew we had something special in store. You taught us so much. Most importantly, you taught us how to Love SELFLESSLY. You were our world before we had Cole, Sydney and Preston. And after, you were ALL of our world.

You loved with everything you had. You never made us feel like you were jealous, only happy. You have left a huge empty space in our lives, our home and our Hearts. I will so miss telling the kids to SHUT THE DOOR so Bubba doesn't run out. Push your plate back so Bubba doesn't jump up and get your food. Pick up your toys so Bubba doesn't eat them. Open the door so Bubba can come in. I will miss not turning on the Fireplace because you were laying up against it. I will miss telling you to move so I can open the refrigerator. I will miss vacuuming your hair. I will miss telling Sydney to not lay on you so hard. I will miss seeing her come down in the morning and love on you. I will miss you walking me instead of me walking you. I will miss everything about you.

Bubs, I know you feel better now. I know you are going to be waiting for us on the other side. Until then Sweet Sweet Boy, we will be missing you. We love you....

April 23rd 2003- Oct 15th 2013..... Dodger Handsomeboy Triplett

Where Did The Time Go??????

Wow, I can't believe it... Where did all this time go? The past 5 years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. This precious little girl starts kindergarten tomorrow..... Let me wipe my tears before I even begin. It was just yesterday that she was born and Chad was all googly eyed over his new baby girl. I planed out her entire life as soon as they said "it's a girl" and wisped her away.... So far this spunky little fire ball has shown me she has her own plans, and I'm okay with that. You see that little smirk and those big blue eyes... usually that is all it takes. She has such a strong will and I know that will take her far in life.

When I think back to all the time that has passed, I am so grateful for how we spent it. I am so grateful I . have been given this time to be with her everyday. I am grateful for our snuggles and our giggles. When I get upset over something she has done, I try and remember how grateful I am for this gift of spunk that God put in our life. I am also grateful for what she has to offer others.

I always pray to make the right decisions for my children, especially when it comes to entrusting them with someone else. When I drop her off in the morning, with all my tears and anxiousness, I will know that at this point she is where God has laid on my heart for her to be. That may change at 3:45 when I pick her up, but as for now I know she will love it. I look forward to the next 13 years hearing how she has made new friends, how she has made others laugh, how she has made her teachers proud/frustrated, how she has succeeded in school, and mostly how her light has shined for others to see. Every time I question myself... should I attempt home school? She we attempt a private Christian school???  I always hear the song  "He is Mighty To Save" in my head....

Shine your light and let the whole world see, 
We're singing for the glory of the risen King... Jesus 
My Saviour, He can move the mountains, 
My God is Mighty to save, 
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation, 
He rose and conquered the grave, 
Jesus conquered the grave.

My Saviour, you can move the mountains, 
You are mighty to save, 
You are mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation, 
You rose and conquered the grave, 
Yes you conquered the grave

The reason I hear this is because of the line highlighted. Shine your light and let the whole world see.... Sydney has such a light that attracts others. Perfect strangers will talk to her and she talks to them like she has known them her entire short 5 years. :) My prayer for her is that she will let that light shine for others to see. My prayer is she makes friends with kids who don't have a Church or know anything about Jesus and her share her love for Jesus with them. My prayer is for her to be able to pray with and for her friends in need. I pray that teachers who need Jesus will see the light in her little eyes and wonder what it is all about. I pray that even during the hardest times of peer pressure that Sydney can stand strong and not flinch when it comes to making the right decision and her friends will see that and follow...

I know it won't be all roses, Cole has shown me that... :) But while they all three are learning to live in this world and not be part of this world, I pray they are the ones that others look at and wonder what they have... and prayerfully they will come to know Jesus through them.

In the morning, say a prayer for me that I make it through the day.... I know Sydney will make it through, but I may not make it out of the parking lot....

What being a Parent is REALLY all about... My sweet Syd...

On August 24th, 2008 My husband and I both accepted Christ as our savior. What a glorious day that will always be. Not only because I know I will spend my eternity in Heaven, but because it set a foundation for my children and generations to come. 

After that day, I knew immediately  that it was more than my relationship with Christ that mattered. I knew it meant making a commitment to be in Church, be in the Word, and do all that I could to learn more and do more. My "spot" in heaven wasn't enough for me. Chad and I both knew in order for our family to experience the joys of eternal life, we had to live it out in front of our children. By NO means have we been perfect, actually far from it. But we have done the best we know how. 

On August 26th, 2011, Cole accepted Christ as his savior. It was so sweet. We were sitting at the kitchen table and Cole started asking me questions about Heaven. Our conversation led to Cole asking me when he could ask Jesus in his heart. I told him he could ask any time he was ready. He said he was ready. He wanted to wait for Chad, so that night when Chad came home, we prayed together as we were going to bed. I have rejoiced everyday since then. I have also double checked him on a frequent basis. I want to make sure he always understands and always makes decisions on his own. He is such a smart boy, and he has always made me proud to be his mama. 

So, here we are a year and a half later. 4/2/2013. Approximately 7:30pm....... Sydney loves the Easter Story. I actually let her watch the most recent episode of "The Bible" series on Easter night. It showed everything from his Crucifixion to his Resurrection. There were a few inconsistencies in the story, but nothing that would have made me not watch it. When Jesus rose, it shows Mary Magdalene going into the tomb and no one was around. We know in the Bible it says an angel was there and said to Mary and Mary Magdalene, for I know that ye seek Jesus, who hath been crucified...   Sydney sat up and said, WAIT where is the angel? She is very aware of what it is about and what happened on that day..... SO back to tonight.... We have the resurrection eggs, which tells the story of Easter. (I highly suggest you get them if you don't have them.) Sydney asked if we could do the eggs, so we did. I think I love the story as much as she does... At the end, there is a white egg and it is empty. (All of the eggs have different things in them that help tell the story.) When I opened the egg, she smiles really big and says, "HE HAS RISEN! JESUS IS ALIVE!" I loved hearing her say that. The last sentence in the book is John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, so that who so ever believes in him shall not perish, but have ever lasting life.  After I read that, Sydney says He died for our sins. Your sins, my sins, Brycegullie's sins. (she loves bryce gullie.) I said, yes he did. She then says, "I haven't asked Jesus in my heart." I said, do you want to? She said, "yes, when can I?" I said, " When do you want to?" She smiled and said, "now." So... At approximately 7:30 pm my sweet girl bowed her head and prayed for Jesus to come into her heart.

 It was absolutely precious. Do you hear me???? Do you understand me???? IT WAS ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS! Not just because she is cute and it sounded cute. It was ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS because I know that my Jesus loves us so much that he works through us. I have had the opportunity to lead 2 of my babies to the Lord. I know it is not through me that they have gotten to a place where they love Jesus. We belong to the most amazing Church, with the most amazing teachers. They love on our babies and teach the the Gospel from Birth. They don't just go sit in a Nursery and are "babysat" while Mom and Dad are fed the word. They are learning the word too. They are hearing about Jesus every time those little feet pitter patter on the grounds of the Church. We host a Bible Study in our home and their little ears are always burning and hearing the adults talk, and they pick up on the love we have for Jesus. We pray together, we learn together, we PRAISE Jesus together...

I remember before August 24th 2008, I had a desire to know more, but my ears were not open to hear more. I am sure I had a dozen opportunities to accept my salvation. I passed them bye.... and bye... and bye.... If you would have asked me on August 23rd, 2008, Kendall.... do you know for sure if you died TODAY would you go to heaven? My answer would have been, well I think so. I mean I hope so???? I am a good person. I have a good heart. I have good intentions....So I mean, sure I think so.... I didn't know that thinking so wouldn't get me there.... If you "think" so, and you don't "know" so you can ALWAYS "know" so. It isn't your WORKS that get you to heaven. “NOT BY WORKS of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost” (Titus 3:5) .  Ephesians 2:8-9, “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: NOT OF WORKS, lest any man should boast.” Praise God it isn't of Works... When would we have "worked" enough to get us there? It is just by simple faith. SIMPLE FAITH. Not questioning if one is right or wrong, just plain faith. Jesus paid a debt He did not owe, because we owed a debt we could not pay. That's God's grace! Like it or not, you are just too sinful and wicked to save yourself—you CANNOT earn your way into Heaven. Isn't that Great? I mean really, ISN'T that GREAT! 

I know that my babies are still young. There is an age of responsibility (which isn't a specific age, it is an age of understanding) and if anything happened to my young babies before they could make this decision, we know they would be in heaven. That is why God asks us to have a "child like" faith. Matthew 18: 1-3 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. But PRAISE God, when my children are 15, 16 years old they will have known for most of their life that JESUS is where their faith is.

Being a parent is so much more than loving your children. It is more than making sure they are fed, and entertained, and educated and so on and so on.  Our Children are Blessings from above, and it is our responsibility to lead them to the ways of the Lord. Oh, what a blessing they are!

3 John 1-4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

Ephesians 6:4  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord

Deuteronomy 6:7  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Do you have Child Like Faith? Or do you find yourself looking for answers and turning from the truth? Do you KNOW that you KNOW  that you are going to heaven or do you THINK that you HOPE you are going to heaven? It really is SO SIMPLE that even my little SYD can have faith and KNOW that she KNOWS. Just ask with your mouth and receive with your heart. It is a free gift, but you can't have a free gift until you reach out and RECEIVE it. 

It is obvious that I adore these sweet blessings, and I am forever grateful that God has let me borrow them for our short time here on earth.... and I am even more Grateful to know we will spend our eternity together....

I am thinking this is God's way of getting my attention

Once again, it has been a while since I have blogged about anything. Life gets so busy, and I barely remember what happened 5 minutes prior...as a parent, you know how it gets..as a Mom you don't remember what it was ever like before kids. I hear younger girls talk about a good book they have recently read, or "running" in the mall for a quick buy, or going to see a new movie that was recently released.... And I giggle to myself. My good books are children's bible stories,  my "run" in the mall for a quick buy would entail riding the train, wasting quarters on rides that barely move, and walking by the trampoline that cost 20 dollars a shot while dragging 3 kids by the hair explaining that daddy would kill me if I spent 60 bucks for 5 mins of fun :) and that good movie, maybe one day... But I wouldn't change it for a million dollars.

Also, (is that even a transition word to start a new paragraph???) as a parent, you are probably used to hearing a child say Mommy 1000 times. Our home sounds a little like this... mommy, I am hungry. Mommy, I want my breakfast. Mommy, is it ready yet. Mommy, my drink spilled! Mommy, I need a different shirt on. Mommy, I want a snack. Mommy, I need to go potty. Mommy, I need to wash my hands. Mommy, where is my train. Mommy, get him off of me! Mommy, can we go outside. Mommy, where are you? Mommy, mommy, where is Mommy? There are times when I feel suffocated. Times when I want to go hide in a closet and pray they don't find me. Times when I wonder why I chose to stay home. Times when I have more anxiety over hearing Mommy, than I would if they called me something different....

The other day, I had heard "Mommy" to a point where I was breaking. My hair had syrup in it, my shirt was stretched out from where Preston reached for me, I was hot, and I turn around and Sydney says, "mommy, Preston pulled my hair!" This is where I pause...... In the middle of almost crying because I had honestly had more than I could take, it was like Jesus whispered..... Why don't you need me like that? I literally stopped and said, I hear you.... And I wasn't talking to my children.... My children rely on me for everything. I know they are capable of helping themselves most of the time, but they still come to me for the final approval. They need me for things as simple as going upstairs to fetch a toy. Simple simple things. One day, they will grow up and not realize they need me. Not call on me for their simple things and maybe not even their big things.... I will be heartbroken, and miss them.... Just like God misses me...

What if.... What if I went to my heavenly father as often as my children come to me? What if I shouted, oh Jesus, help me.... As often as they ask me? It was as if Jesus whispered , I miss you, why don't you need me? Oh, Jesus, I need you desperately. I wouldn't feel so anxious or overwhelmed, I would realize my blessings and guide my children in the direction of obedience..... I wouldn't want to hide or want to change my name....

It was as if he whispered..... I am still right here, even when you abandon me,  I am patiently waiting for you to need me like they need you...

Thank you, Jesus. Your reminders are always on time...