Do You Miss Them Even Though They Are Right In Front of You?

 

Do you ever miss them, even though they are right in front of you? Even though they have been with you for the past 10 months 24/7? Do you ever look at them and know that these moments are only for a short time? 

Last night we were cleaning out closets because we are getting new carpet today. I knew when we started taking things out, we would come across things I have probably forgotten about. Little did I know the flood of emotions that would come across me when I pulled out things I have not forgotten about. Things like this blanket. Man, I can see her wrapped up in it now. 4 pacifiers and very little hair on her head, two paci's in the mouth and one in each hand. When I saw this blanket, I could have walked into a room, picked her up from her crib, kissed her sweet cheeks and wondered how I would keep her entertained for the rest of the day.

How did this time just disappear? How did she go from this to this?

I have always been one who has a hard time living in the moment for thinking about how one day it will be a memory. Train tables, beyblades, Barbies... They would all become a thing of the past. I miss them. I miss them even when they are sitting in front of me. I miss these moments...

They quickly turned from sitting in laps to hardly getting a smile, but knowing he loves his mama. 

From wondering if  "debbie the fish" was dead, needing daddy to lay in his crib, to hitting bombs on the baseball field. I miss it all. Even in the middle of baseball season. I miss it. I miss it. 

Each moment that passes, I am reminded that this is the last one that will be this age again. I always say that God gave me Tate so I can slow down and enjoy him being small. The older kids will say that I let him be the baby for much longer than they were and I am sure in the dictionary, his face is beside the word baby.. and that he is. I miss the baby, and if I don't catch myself I start to miss the 6 year old in the "anonymous" mask. 

Although I don't know how to stop missing something that I love so much, I do know that during this pandemic, they have been the constant "normal" in our lives. And when this pandemic is over, I will miss them being near me all day. I miss them- I miss them, even though they are right in front of me. 

A Day in the Life of a Coaches Wife

He is dedicated, he is loyal and he loves the kids. He is also competitive, he is tough and he has high expectation. He loves God, he loves his family and the man loves baseball.

I like to sit out here- away from the noise. I love watching the boys play, but most days my nerves can’t handle the pressure. See, I am opposite of Chad. I get nervous, I would rather crawl in a hole before facing adversity and I can’t block out when parents aren’t happy with the outcomes or decisions that are made. When Cole is up to bat, I need to close my eyes. As a coaches wife, I have to watch him make hard decisions that will be for the benefit of the team. At night, after he has worked all day and answered all of the questions from our 4 kids, I watch him pull out stats. I watch him replay each game and what could have been done better. I watch him make decisions that help the boys become better men off of the field.

Often times I wonder if others realize the time and pressure put on coaches. I often wonder if the parents of any team think about all of the kids on your kids team and consider the differences in each kids needs. Some kids have it made- all the newest gloves and bats and cleats and two parents that make enough money to pay for a couple of kids on the team. Other kids are as talented with the same desire and effort but may not have the same access to the luxuries another kid has. This may be one kids ticket to a better life while another kid plays several sports. One kid may be emotionally off today while the others are tuned in and ready to go. But guess who does know that. Your kids coach does. 

It’s hard being a kid. It’s hard being a coach and it’s hard being a coaches wife. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. 

The MASKED Joy

Usually this is the week we return from our summer vacation and the kids and I head out for school supplies for the upcoming school year. Last year this time, I was preparing to send my baby off to kindergarten. Little did I know what the year would bring and how we would be going in to the next school year with so many uncertainties. I guess that is the way life works- you would think we would have figured that out by now...

I have really struggled since March 13th. I have never been one who does well flying by the seat of my pants. I like a plan, and I like my plan to work out. I say "ok" in my head when a task is complete and I get a lot of gratification out of seeing my plan come to fruition. When the kids came home from school on Friday the 13th, who would have ever thought they wouldn't be going back? I even remember thinking that day, "oh we got through a Friday the 13th free and clear!" That was until we didn't.

My anxiety has been all over the place. The greatest part of this crazy pandemic is we get to spend it at home together. I am sure the kids wouldn't exactly say I have been the best parent to be home with, but none the less, I get to be home with them, and I love that I get to spend my days with my favorite people. Yet, I still experience an unsettling anxiousness in my gut. The bible says in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." It is so much easier to read that than it is to practice it. There are days I am good to go. I can forget what is going on in the world and stay right here in my safe place. Then, there are many other days that I have to go to the grocery store- that says enough. 

Mask- they are every where- I have a variety in my console. Everything from neck gaiters, disposable mask, cotton mask, mask with elastic bands, mask with ties, mask with baseballs and dogs and pirates and all of the colors in the rainbow. And this is where is all begins. I wake up ok, then I have to leave my house and reach for one of these many mask..... My heart and my head feel sad that this is the reality we live in. It's like counting down to the days that never end, but somewhere deep down inside I feel some sort of Joy in the chaos and anxiety. It is a selfish joy, and a joy that is hard to explain. How do you have joy with anxiety? I will tell you how. As I read all of these parents on social media with all of the questions and opinions on school, I often wonder if any of them ever sit back and think that sometimes things happen and God still allows joy to transpire. ANXIETY- My kids haven't had a real schedule since March 13th, they need to be able to have a normal school experience. JOY- I have been given the opportunity to spend 16 uninterrupted weeks with my kids that I would have never been able to have before now. ANXIETY- Tate won't be able to read if it is up to me. JOY- Yes he will. lol ANXIETY- How do I decide between Virtual Academy, Wake County plan B or just doing my own home school. JOY- You get to decide Kendall. ANXIETY- What if I make the wrong choice. JOY- Thank you Jesus for giving me this time with them regardless of the choice. ANXIETY- I can't breathe in this mask and grocery shop at the same time. JOY- Thank you Jesus for the minimal financial impact this has had on our family and I can go to the store. And the list can go on and on and on and on. 

I wake up each day ready for the rollercoaster of a ride we have set before us. A mask in one hand, but my heart is full knowing who I get to spend my days with. A 14 year old who rarely wants my opinion, but just the sound of my name leaving his mouth makes me so very thankful for these extra weeks I have had with him. A 12 year old that rolls her eyes at everything I say to her, but welcomes an invite to snuggle any time she is given one. I have gotten an extra 16 weeks of snuggles with her. A 10 year old that won't leave my side. He knows every step I take and every breath that leaves my body. And I have had an extra 16 weeks to help calm his anxiety because of the crazy in the world. And.... a 6 year old who rules the world. The one who could care less if he ever learned one more sight word or stepped foot in one more school building. I have gotten 16 weeks that last year this time I would have given all that I had to get an extra 16 hours with him before sending him off to school. 

So, here we are world. We are all in this at the same time. I pray that I don't take one single extra week I get with them for granted. I pray that we can make the most out of the time we have. As inconvenient as it all is, these kids are mine. God Gifted them to Chad and I  for such a short time, I am thankful I get the opportunity to be their mom. I am thankful for these weeks even if they aren't the weeks we would have chosen. 

New Beginnings

It is 10pm, and I have just finished packing lunches, and getting all the things ready for school tomorrow. We are heading into some new beginnings for all of the little Triplett's. Tomorrow is the first day of school for Cole, Sydney, and Preston. Tate starts school on Thursday for half of a day and full time on Monday. This will be Sydney's first day of Middle School, it will be the first day that Cole gets to enjoy having his sister with him at Middle School, it will also be the first day that Preston has ever been in school without his sister. Although this week will also be Tate's first day of kindergarten, there will be three days when Preston is at school as the only Triplett child. :) But have no fear- Tate will roll in on Thursday and they won't forget what hit them.

How has the time gone by so fast? How is it time for Sydney to go to middle school? How is it time for Tate to go to kindergarten? How am I not 29 anymore? How How How? I have thought about so much today. I was folding clothes and every item I picked up, I thought, "thank you Lord for giving me these children." I have talked about this in the past, but I am really bad at counting down things and knowing how much time we have left together. So, of course, I started wondering about all of the things I have gotten wrong or right, and I just pray that they take the "right" things with them as they enter those doors and meet new friends. I also pray that their teachers see in them the same things I know about all four of them and these are just a few-

He is an amazing brother, she is as beautiful on the inside as she is the outside, he always wants to show you his best, he is super competitive, he is genuine, she is the best friend, he is sensitive, he is always listening, he is a people pleaser, she is an overthinker, he is determined, he is energetic, he is responsible, she is sociable, he is thoughtful, he is assertive, he is calm, she is artistic, he is articulate, he is fearless, he is strong, she is devoted, he is courageous, he is spunky, he is understanding, she is dependable, he is wise, he is engaging, he is who gave me life when he was born, she is who brings me up when I feel down, he is who makes me laugh when I am not sure I can laugh anymore, and he is who gives me compliments when I don't feel like there are any to receive. They are all amazing and wonderful and perfect for me. I look at each and every one of them and just thank God for choosing me to be their Mom. I pray that their friends and teachers will see all of these wonderful traits in them. I pray they appreciate them as much as I do.

I will always be their biggest fan. I will always be there to remind them they are fearfully and wonderfully made. I will always need them as much as they need me. But on this day of first, I will send them off and anxiously await their return to hear about their new normal.

The Journey of a Year- Preston's Walk with Perthes..

One year ago today... June 13th, 2018..... On June 11th, 2018 Chad, Preston and I left for Baltimore. Every time I see a memory from last year, my heart sinks a little. We were all in survival mode. I feel like I can't catch my breath when I see things like the meal train that was set up, friends who sent me messages asking if they could stop by because they had gifts for our family, and pictures of Preston on his crutches with a smile on his face...just knowing under that smile was a lot of pain, seeing pictures of the day of surgery and amazing leaders in our church who drove all the way to Baltimore just to see us... .... One year ago today, this Mama and Daddy woke up with great hope that we could fix the pain for Preston.

This journey has been full of emotions that take you high and low. My main goal was to give Preston his childhood back. I will be honest and say that through all of the praying I did, I also did a lot of demanding to God. I told him what we were going to do. I begged him that he stayed on my plan and didn't have a different one for Preston. I went in to complete planning mode. I remember crying when I would slow down, but I think I have done more crying this week than I did the entire last year. It sneaks up on me too. I will see Preston walking down the hallway and his limp is barely there, it makes me gasp and thank God he allowed us this opportunity.

I know God gave me a lot of grace last year. I know he heard my heart and knew that I was so angry. He is such a merciful God.... because if I were Him, I would have been ashamed of me. I told him exactly what I needed to happen. I told him Preston couldn't handle the pain of not being able to do all of the things little boys love to do.... Reality was, I didn't think I could handle watching him learn to do new things while watching other kids do the things Preston loved to do. Preston is ultimately God's child and God knows what Preston could and couldn't do. I am so thankful that he didn't choose to teach me this lesson at Preston's expense.

So here we are a year later. We are past the external fixator, we are past the removal, we are past the non-weight bearing, we are past the no running and no jumping, we are past going to Physical therapy a few times a week and now are a few times a month. We are now at a point where Preston still has pain, but nothing like he had, We are now at a point where Preston was able to be on the basketball court and baseball field, even if it wasn't how he used to be. And we are most certainly at a point where on a daily basis I am screaming, "Preston! Stop running! Stop chasing your brother around the house!!!" We are at a point where I hear the basketball in the driveway bouncing and I look out the window to see he and his brother's throwing a baseball to each other. Thank GOD this is where we are.

I never would have imagined this is where we would be one year later, but it is exactly where I begged God to let us be. What a merciful merciful God he is.

The End of an Era- and I'm Not Crying...

Ok, Ok, so maybe I am just a little bit... but honestly, I am digging deep for these emotions. Don't think I am a bad parent because of this, instead know I am just being really real.

It is graduation time for Tate. He is the last baby Triplett in this house that will walk the halls of Pleasant Grove Baptist MMO, which is by far the best MMO program on this side of Wake County. He will be off to kindergarten in a few short months, and I will miss the little stinker. I will miss our short 15 minutes together between dropping off Sydney and Preston. I will miss running in at 1pm to see his little face smiling back at me and saying, "MAMA!" I will miss walking in and hearing, "Hey Tater Tot!" I will miss him coming home and telling me he got in trouble today, but it wasn't his fault. He didn't say any of those words..... I will miss it all,  but...... it is time. Maybe not time for him,  but it is time for this Era of my life to move forward.

We have been at this preschool thing for about 13 years.  I remember when I was little, my mama would say things like, "honey, I am too old to have long hair." Or "I would be too old to try and start a new job." Or, the one I relate to the most now is, "I am older than all of  those young mom's."  I used to think she was crazy when she would make all of these comments. I also thought she was crazy when she would look in the mirror and do lip exercises or act like she was pulling her skin up on her face and laugh and say, "I think I need a face lift!" Sorry for calling you out, Mama. But I get it now. Being 42 with a 13 year old, 11 year old, 9 year old and a 5 year old, I am ready to see what is next in this life of ours. I don't want to miss out on all the joys of having a 5 year old, so that is why I am excited we are moving along from pre-school and on to kindergarten.

One thing I have learned about myself is I am really really good at counting away the days. I can sit here now and think, "when Cole is 15, Tate will be 7... when Cole goes to high school, Tate will be in first grade..." so on and so on. I do it often... What I have been trying to do is live in the moment. Enjoy the time we are in. Not be sad about the future and not miss the past. This transition is proving to me that I am ok with where we are going and not going to dwell in where we have been. I am ready to see what my crazy 5 year old has in store for himself. I am ready to enjoy our summer filled with pool days, swim team practices, swinging bats, and all of the sweet compliments he gives me just to get his way. His sweet darling, pretty mama, best friend is ready to watch this boy do great things..

So all you Mama's out there who are with me, give yourself a pat on the back. There is no reason we can't admit that we are ready to move past the days of preschool and keep life going. It is ok if we look at pictures of the past and smile at who we were back then, but it is even healthier to smile at our future and love where we are at and where we are going!

That Baby In the Manger

What’s Your Reason

We’ve all heard it; Jesus is the reason for the season. Away in a manger, no crib for his bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head…. We’ve all sung it….. But, do we really get it? DO WE REALLY GET WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?

As an adult, I always struggle around Christmas. I have plans of what I am going to do with the kids to make sure we celebrate “The Reason for the Season.” I think as parents, we all struggle with doing the “right” thing and then struggle with “who are we doing it for.” For example, we are in Church every Sunday morning unless there is a sickness or we are out of town. We don’t miss church just because we don’t feel like going. That being said, I can promise you there are SO MANY days we get ready and show up because “it’s what we are supposed to do.” We sit through service while checking off our grocery list, making notes for what needs to be done later in the day, or making a plan for the week etc…. Some Sunday’s, we pull out of the parking lot and I don’t even look back on what I heard. I just continue my day as is it was a box I checked off for the week.

These past few weeks, I can hear Him in my heart and head…. How can you celebrate “The reason for the season” when you aren’t even putting me first every day? That hurt to type. I AM A CHRISTIAN. I GO TO CHURCH. I TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL. 3 OF MY 4 KIDS HAVE ACCEPTED JESUS AS THEIR SAVIOR. I LOVE JESUS….. But I hear it. It is LOUD AND CLEAR. Kendall, how in the world can you find peace at Christmas, trying to teach your kids it is all about ME and you don’t live it out. Outside looking in, you got it together girl. You do everything you are “supposed” to do. And in reality, it is nothing at all. It is nothing when I step back and look at “the reason for the season.”

You always hear the analogy, “God loves us more than our parents could ever love us.” Ok, that sounds nice. But as a parent, I know how my heart literally aches for my children. Then I think about the one who created me, put me on this earth, gave me the most amazing husband, and these precious little souls that are my children. What do I do with all of that? I take it like I deserve it. I take it like it was mine to have in the first place. I take their health and well-being and I walk around with it like there is no one to thank for it. I       AM A CHRISTIAN. I GO TO CHURCH. I TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL…. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Who cares. I can hear Him saying, “Kendall, it is not about what you are, where you go, or what you do. I just want you.”

When I think about my own children, I think, what if they said to me,  “mama, I go to school, I make good grades, I stay out of trouble, I help other people, I do good things… but I don’t want to make time to be with you.” DEVASTATED I TELL YOU. I WOULD BE DEVASTATED. This is exactly what we tell HIM. When we decide Church isn’t where we want to be on Sunday (only if you are showing up to hear the word and not make your grocery list.) We are telling HIM this when we aren’t investing HIS WORD in our children every single day. We are telling HIM this when we aren’t leading by example to our kids. We are telling HIM this when we allow ourselves to put everything else life has to offer in front of HIM. We are telling HIM this when we look at these precious souls that he has given us and take them like we deserve them.

I have friends that go to church every time the doors open and they WORSHIP HIS HOLY NAME. I also have friends that don’t go to church, and they still WORSHIP HIS HOLY NAME. This isn’t about going to church. You will never find your happiness in the Church. They are just people with flaws like the rest of the world. This is about finding your relationship with Jesus and hearing HIM, and obeying HIM. How many times do we have problems that we try to fix on our own? Every Day. How many times to we fall to our knees and beg HIM to open the truth to us? Not often enough. I love Jesus. When I say His name, it makes my heart ache like it does when I think about my kids. But the difference is,  I DO for my kids.

That Baby in the manger wasn’t put there so we would all have a story to tell. That baby was put there for US. He was born to die.   The angel told Joseph, “For He shall save His people from their sins.” Jesus wasn’t surprised by this. He knew he was born to die. Christmas really isn’t about this cute little baby born in a manger. The salvation isn’t in his birth. Jesus came to earth to reveal God to us. To teach us the truth, to offer us His kingdom, and to show us how to live and show God’s love. But those little hands and feet would one day be the same hands and feet that would have nails driven into them, so we could have life. And every single day, I take that for granted.

So, this Christmas I am challenging myself. I don’t want to just tell the story anymore… I want to live the story. I want my kids to LOVE HIM and I want them to see me LOVE HIM. Not because “it’s what we are supposed to do” but because “Mama loves him so much, she can’t help herself.”